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By Chuck Sambuchino

ISBN-10: 1607741083

ISBN-13: 9781607741084

"**Move over zombies and adolescent vampires. **

There’s a brand new hazard in town—and it’s in basic terms twelve inches tall. *How to outlive a backyard Gnome assault *is the one complete survival consultant to help you hinder, organize for, and thrust back an impending domestic invasion by way of the typical backyard gnome. as soon as regarded as innocuous backyard undefined, proof is mounting that those smiling garden statues are poised and able to smash havoc. the chance is genuine. And it’s here.    
   category 1 gnome-slayer and gnome protection specialist Chuck Sambuchino has constructed a confirmed system—Assess, safeguard, shield, Apply—for safeguarding estate, possessions, and family. suggestions comprise step by step directions for gnome-proofing the common living, spotting and reading the indicators of a meeting hoard, and—in the development secured perimeter *is* breached—confronting and fighting the attackers at shut variety.

*From the Hardcover edition.*

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Extra info for How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will)

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Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless. Fm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I’m a nonbeliever, I’m an overachiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance. I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely posttraumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail But Tm feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.

But women who are assholes aren’t called that. They’re named for a different part of their lower anatomy. They’re called cunts. Isn’t it nice that cunts and assholes are next-door neighbors? NINETY-NINE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW There are ninety-nine things you need to know: Number one: There are more than ninety-nine things you need to know. Number two: Nobody knows how many things there are to know. Number three: It’s more than three. Number four: There is no way of knowing how many things you need to Number five: Some of the things you need to know are things you already know.

Til be expecting all of you to bow deeply when you see me, and give me half your crops. Plus I’m allowed to fuck your wife. ” A man will always buy the bullshit, because a man is not too bright. But I’m not suggesting a man doesn’t have a great deal to put up with. He does. First of all, a man has to make believe he knows what he’s doing at all times. And while he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing, he has to make believe he doesn’t need any help. He has to make believe he can fix anything. And if he can’t fix it now, he’ll fix it later.

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How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will) by Chuck Sambuchino


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